Almost There

After what has to be the longest pregnancy in the history of the world, I am pleased to report that my precious rainbow will be here soon.

It has been a very long, stressful, exciting, scary, beautiful, miraculous road to this point.  I am so grateful every day for the opportunity I have been given to finally become a mother to a healthy baby.

MOTZEN, GERMANY – OCTOBER 14: A rainbow seagull (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)

Unless baby girl decides to come on her own I’ll be induced late next week.  I’m not thrilled about being induced, but due to some of my health issues during this pregnancy my medical team believes that this is best for both baby and me, so it has been scheduled.

I’ve been blogging this pregnancy and preparation elsewhere (if you’d like to know, just comment or contact me and I’ll provide you with the link), but I do plan on putting a few more things up here.  This blog was supposed to be about my pregnancy with Cady, and became mostly about what happened with that pregnancy.  I still would like for this to be place that people can find information and solace should they (God forbid) find themselves in the same position we did.

I will forever miss my precious Cady and wish she could be in my arms.  I promise her that her little sister will be loved and cherished beyond measure.

Mother or Daughter?

I originally started this blog to chronicle my first pregnancy as it happened.  That turned out much differently than I expected, and now this blog has become about dealing with my grief from the first pregnancy and my joy at my second pregnancy.

English: Mother and Daughter (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But it’s about so much more than that.  It’s about learning to be a woman and a mother.  I’m not sure I’ve ever been either before last year.

My own mother is an alcoholic and a drug addict.  She has been both for as long as I can remember, even before I knew what either was, she was both of them.

When we were kids she was this woman who took pills when she was too down, then took pills to calm herself down from the pills she took because she was too down.  And she drank when she wasn’t taking pills.  She did all of this while watching soap operas and directing her worker bee (me) to take care of the household and my younger brothers.

When my father finally left her just after 20th birthday, she descended into true madness.  Prescription drugs gave way to stolen prescriptions, multiple car accidents, multiple arrests and/or warrants, abusive boyfriends, sleeping in people’s garages, stealing from her children.  Typical addict behavior.

After a failed suicide attempt and much therapy, I finally pushed her out of my life.  It’s never that easy, though, and through the years she has shown back up time and time again.  I have managed to keep her away only by virtue of proximity – I have been too far away for her to get back into my life and my home.

Queen Wilhelmina & Juliana (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

She disappeared again in January of this year, shortly before my maternal grandmother died.  I heard about her in early March but decided not to pursue the lead because I had other things to worry about, namely a new baby and a cross country move.

Late last week I got an email from my sister in law telling me my mom had called her and wanted to get in touch with me.  She gave me the number. I’m not going to use it.

My mother has never willingly been to rehab.  She has never admitted she had a problem, but has attended court ordered NA and AA meetings for years.  She never gets better, she just goes enough into “remission” to fool people into thinking she has changed.

I have nearly always been the dutiful daughter, the motherless daughter mothering her own would-be mother despite the ability to do so.  I have flailed around trying to be one or the other, but never quite accomplishing either, for years.   I’m done.

I’ve made my choice. I’m the mother now.  My beautiful, delicate, still-forming daughter, she who flutters innocently in my womb, she deserves the mother that I wished for, the mother I wanted to desperately my whole life.

My mother will just have to find her own way.  My daughter comes first, now and always.

Memorial Day

This year we spent the long Memorial Day weekend with my dad and grandparents.  They live about 2 hours or so away and we try to get over there every few weeks to spend time with them.  They enjoy seeing us and being involved in the pregnancy.  We enjoy the chance to get away and relax and be with family.

When I married my husband he had met very few of my family members, and my dad and his side of the family were not among them.  We eloped and then sent out announcements and that is how most people found out we were married, my dad included.  He took it well!  When we went to visit them for Thanksgiving that year they really welcomed him with open arms.

I am so blessed that my husband fits in so well with my family.  They love him like he is one of their own, and they are so excited about this baby that is coming.  They mourned for Cady with us, and are eagerly anticipating the new baby’s arrival.

On Monday morning I got up a little late and breakfast was already being prepared.  They had set the table in the big dining room and I went in to put some things on the table and saw this:

My dad hat put a small place setting together between mine and my husband’s chairs: a high chair, small plate, small cup, and small spoon and fork.  He was quite proud of it and it made me smile, because it shows just how excited they are to have a new baby in the family soon.

It made me tear up for another reason, one I haven’t really shared with anyone.  Having that empty place setting between us was a reminder of the baby who should have been sitting there.  Cady would have been about 7 months old if she had been healthy and carried to term.  I wish that she had been sitting there with us on that Monday morning, but she wasn’t. She lives only in our hearts.

Next year there will be a precious little 9 month old moppet sitting in that seat being doted on by everyone around.  I can’t wait.

29 Weeks

Diapers and covers (Photo credit: Chris and Jenni)

As of yesterday I am 29 weeks pregnant, and happy to be so.  This is the most pregnant I have ever been, and it is lovely being on the cusp of the weeks that begin in “3” because the end is so near.

It’s not that I want it to be over, but I’m looking forward to meeting our little kicker and smothering her in kisses.  I’d also like to dress her in all the pretty clothes she got at her shower.

Developments as of week 29:

• I can no longer lay on my back for more than about 90 seconds because it causes me to get dizzy. I learned that this weekend at my dad’s house when I almost passed out.
• I can still fit into a few of my stretchier pre-pregnancy shorts but Little Miss will kick the waistband until she exhausts both of us.
• I can survive on very little sleep since she is apparently a night owl.
• My husband thinks I’m beautiful when I’m pregnant.
• I feel beautiful right now.
• Baby girl’s daddy cannot keep his hands off my belly.  He loves talking to her and feeling her kick and squirm.
• I’ve purchased one cloth diaper and one pair of rubber pants.  This is only the beginning.
• I’ve purchased one package of newborn diapers to handle the first few days after birth.
• Nesting is a real thing.
• I’m almost too uncomfortable to travel so I think that last weekend’s trip to see my dad and grandparents is the last one we will make as a childess couple.

This is such an exciting time.

 

Building a Mystery

When I was pregnant with Cady we got “lucky” in that we were able to have lots of ultrasounds.  It just worked out that way, and we looked forward to each and every one of them up until the end.

My husband used to joke that we should have a porthole or window put in so we could see the baby all the time.  We were that obsessed.

Image by Kevin H. via Flickr

My first doctor appointment isn’t until the 28th of this month.  At the time I wanted to wait as long as possible before the first visit so the baby would have time to grow.  Now I’m wishing I could see inside my uterus NOW!

Before I ever tested, about a week before, I was meditating and saw two small points of light in my uterus.  That is when I started to suspect I was pregnant.

So, yes, I suspect twins.

And I’m dying to know if I’m right.

Then yesterday I emailed a blogger whom I have been reading for years. Several years ago she had to TFMR and then got pregnant with healthy twins several months later.

She emailed me back last night (so sweet, it made me cry) and in the email said “I am so incredibly happy for you….and you can curse me for this….but I wish for twins for you too!”

The husband and I have been throwing about the words “twins” and “babies” like they are normal.

I cannot wait to get a look inside myself after Christmas.

Babies Babies and More Babies

Image by DoubleGrande via Flickr

Today was the last day of a 2.5 day class I took for work, and today was the .5.  It was in the next town over, a cute little touristy island town that is deserted this time of year.

Your dad got up early and went with me this morning.  He hung out in the hotel lobby while I took my 4 hours of class, then we went and had lunch, took a drive and went to the movies.

Before the movie theater opened we decided to go window shopping and we saw someone holding a baby.  I think it was a boy, a couple of months old, with a shirt on that said “crabby” and had a picture of a crab.  He looked crabby.  We smiled.

On the way out of the theater we saw a newish baby, a little girl, teeny tiny and about 3 weeks old.  She was darling, refusing to smile for the cameras of the people around her.  Adorable.

On the way home we saw a baby girl at the drugstore.  The woman in front of me inquired as to the age of the baby from the mother.  She was five months old with rounded cheeks, grabbing at her chubby feet.  Cute as a button.

They all made me smile, and I think maybe your dad, too.  None of them were you.  I would know you if I saw you, I know I would.

We’re healing, your dad and I.  We still miss you all the time, and sometimes I still cry (I don’t know if your dad does, he’s not saying) but mostly we just love knowing you were real.

Hugs & kisses from Momma.